Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in the studio in Cardiff.

I've literally run in the studio maybe three minutes ago. / uh / I've been down the Gower / sort of, uh, / holiday / walking / extravaganza down __ G__, and, uh ... / holiday traffic coming back / 帰りに交通渋滞につかまった / caravan owners / tricky / Rhod's hot potato ... you know ... I don't know. I don't know / out / pass / a special caravan driving test 'cause they're long / big / anyway, should we be allowed / big / drive caravans without an extra kind of license? ... Right. I bet this one will take off.

Hi Rhod. My email should get the average listener, uh, age down as I'm only 11." says / listen, James, we / radio / means / radio / audience / research / figure / stuff like that / basically / everybody goes on / kind of / my figures, James, are appalling. Absolute embarrassment. There are ... I won't even tell you what they are, James, 'cause you / more friends on facebook or whatever / these days / than I've got listeners. Um ... / average age / I have a good idea for a feature / Hey, James, at the moment we've got nothing today / so / bring it on. If / younger than me / age down a bit." I think / James / you might be over-estimating the desire of the average eight- or nine-year-old, to, uh, spend their Saturday mornings trying to get / average / still, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe / under / maybe life has changed / instead of BMX / going to / parks / to each other at bus stops ... maybe, right now, they're really into bringing the average age of / listeners / my show / also / add to your / feature / says / "My brother / weed on my carpet in the middle of the night / there you go, James. / did you ... did you hear that? A few months ago I was talking about / I did that with my cousin / absolutely fast asleep / he was sat / bed / reading / all over / the end of the bed / hey / this is the part / this is the finishing touch / in your sleep / go to somebody's room / and urinate all over them / finishing touch is this: As you leave, if you can, turn the light out. It's a sort of visual flush ... a little, just a little touch on the end. That's what I did. ... Turn the light / he was reading / he was covered in urine / Happy days.

Dear Rhod and empty chair. / because / at the moment / I think may have solved / jellyfish / a little canoe / coast / biggest jelly fish / in my life / huge / like a frying pan / as red as __ unpopular trousers / it sounds like / lion's mane. / Thank you, Andy from Swindon / now / __ chance to research / the thing / describing / yes, I think it was a lion's mane / somebody else / Paul in M__ / a couple of weeks ago / jelly fish / size of a car / its tentacles / size of a car / its head was exactly the size of __ steering wheel / if you wanna stay with the car analogy. Uh ... here you go / article today / jelly fish / coast / account / Anyway, there we are. Thank you very much. Yes. That is sorted. "Also ...", Andy from Swindon / in __ says, / on the dream-catcher feature, I am occasionally woken by my girlfriend barbl__ing / from Norway / Righto. Thanks, uh, Andy. It certainly explains / doesn't it? Uh ... uh, anyway, uh, I've got / this is the ... this is the clue to the artist of the track / clue to the artist of the track / who needs mates when you / this much disposable income? / and / mates / this much disposable income / and then, the track ... uh ... some of you may be thinking, "Oh, god / one of these / we've had two, now, pieces of email in the last three weeks / this. So, I think that justifies it. Uh ... Who needs / this much disposable income / The clue to the track is, "My son is christened after a noisy dog makes a __ on center court / kind of / remember / a couple of days ago / "My son is christened after a noize ... after a noisy dog makes r__ on center court / see if you can / work out what that is / and, uh ... text in / you can, uh, tweet the show / @rhodgilbertshow. Let us know what you think that is / my son / after / noisy dog / makes a __ on center c__ / quite proud / I set it

Anyway, I / say / a bit of walking / out / good walker in / we / van / I think it's called __ __ ... we went __ three or four peaks. ... I was worried ... I have to say, I was worried because ... I've been doing a bit of training for K__ / an hour and 40 minutes, I had a pain in my groin, the likes of which I've, uh, never had, um ... just sort of hip __, buttocky kind of area / a few days earlier / so, I was a bit worried about this / my friend Clint had planned, and, um ... / start / better go to the toilet before / in / you know / and, uh ... Clint strolled off into the forest / and, um ... / toilet / stung quite badly / three times before / still / five yards from the car / we / n't started walking yet / we planned a five-hour walk / stung three times before / cancel it, but he bravely soldiered on. But it was / quite an amusing day we had / hours / it took us seven hours / but it was partly because of, uh / partly because of, uh ... / way / I made a mistake / I have to say / I had / all / equipment / Kilimanjaro / what / if you ... you know, if you / sort of / vaguely / in the public eye / give you a few things / have this backpack / you need these good socks, and things like that / and you go, "Yeah, all right." __ __ __ sticks for the first time, and, uh ... / I didn't quite know / sounds ridiculous / sticks / so used to / 44 of walking without sticks, and then suddenly somebody gives you sticks / I / really know what to do. Uh ... so, / but I also / backpack on / they call it a bladder ... they call it a bladder / like / drinking / two litres of water / carry around / heavy / goes / backpack / like a straw / if you haven't seen / like / technology from / you know / you know / hats / stag / any / going down / like / that kind of technology, but it's for walking / I had one of them / three / sucking on that thing / and it was like ... I ... I was __ __ __ __ the hardest thing / walk / trying to suck the water out of this ... through this hosy thing / real job / my ... my cheeks were all __ed / aching more than my legs, to be honest / had / well, after three hours, we stopped, and I checked the bladder on my bag, and / mark / two litres, one half of / about / one of those small cans / litres / one / three hours / it was a sunny day. And ... / I was / sucking it through the / eye of a needle, basically / I / tea spoon of water for three hours. And my mate just went, "Huh. Look / turn the valve / water gushed out. Gushed out, it did. It gushed out everywhere / splashing over / everything / slow motion / from head to foot / wet T-shirt competition / suddenly, I was __ed. I was soaked. ... Anyway, anyway, ... after that, we had a __ off. My word, I had no idea / aggressive / my / communities / it happens / cars / how fast is your car / petrol / in lots of different worlds ... you know. ... / you're __ black belt in karate and I'm __ green belt / beat you / scissors paper stone / my word, we ... we were coming up / top / must / in their 50's / came over / nice enough / first / how are you getting / I literally looked up / back / seen it / no idea / talking about / that's the make of my backpack / apparently / and he had the same backpack, so we were big pals / that's / on the path / same backpack / same backpack / how are you getting on? How are you getting on? ... He wasn't happy with __ / right/ I said / fine / know / said / if I'm honest / these things / pockets on my shoulders? What are they for? Who needs pockets on your shoulders? I've had / What are they for? / my front / very different things over the years. But / your neck / I said, "No / I've re-sewen / a different position / half an inch lower than / previously / this guy's really serious / waist band / wrong place / an inch farther / I had to tell him, to be honest / matter / they were literally full of j__ b__ / pocket / Swiss army knife / leather / or whatever / anyway, this went on for a while / until the lady with him / understand / these trecking magazines / his girlfriend subsrcibes / read them / he reads them. He knows all / called / or something / that was all she said / she just went, "__ __." / which immediately / backed off. I backed off / wow / this is like / BMW / R__ R__ / obviously, of / backpack / five minutes later, after all this / all this bragging, all this b__ and b__, m__ / about equipment and __ and / sticks / kinda stuff / on the top __ __ __, six authodox Jews in ... in their normal authodox stuff ... school shoes, capes, __ __ caps ... absolutely normal / hadn't used any equipment whatsoever / one of them had a __'s plastic bag / bag, mate.

Of late, I've been throwing out / cyptic clue in the first half / I will play / to start the second half of the show. But today, it's / hear the phrase / due to / public demand ... due to no public demand, in fact ... not a single entry today. That has ... / I was / not at all / pretty much __ __ __. But, uh ... it's not worthy. I was, uh ... / we came through the news / should play / answer / cryptic clue / first song / single correspondence about it, no guesses, no ... even ... nothing / not even a comment on it / we thought / hold / now they're coming in. Now they are coming in. The clue is / I thought / last track of the show / clue / who needs mates when you've got this much disposal income?" That's the clue to the artist / my son is christened / center court / We've got / coming in here / right or wrong for now, uh ... / partly because I've lost them and partly because / would increase the suspense / anyway, I've got one here / boy named / who needs mates when you've got / disposable income / could that be J__ C__ / my son is christened / noisy dog / could that be / I'm not telling you / I'm spinning it out, man. I'm building the suspense. Um ... now then, Human B__ / a few weeks ago / I should say / human / you know, exists as a game, often ... often involving alcohol ... because that's what / human b__ / this / radio / irritate people around you by saying a phrase I give you over and over again / nothing / without referencing it ... and you're not allowed / "Good afternoon, Rhod / human b__ / last week's Human B__ / if I remember rightly, I said / say the words / I can't believe / why didn't they / Charles / I can't believe it." / just say that as many times as / until somebody around you snaps / and then / number / and the winner gets no prize whatsoever / half an hour before / shut up about that baby. I don't care / could be Frank / lost it and shouted / fair to say half an hour / good run / don't you think / um / I think / it depends on how many times / twice in half an hour, which / no good / last / end / last minute / the show / it didn't say how many times / managed to say it / a cold call / about something / I can't remember / or whatwever / I can't believe they / engage the cold caller on the subject / name / until the cold caller lost it. Um ... / instantly the winner. ... This week's human b__ is simply this. ... Until someone snaps ... repeatedly, this ... repeatedly, "I just don't understand it. One minute it's hot / next it's not." / ideally / hands on your hips / shake / pull off / end / just a little "__ __" / that, as many times you can.

Features galore today. We've got Human B__ / around you snaps / lots / that feature's on the go, and stuff coming in / urinal / or ladies' or gents'. Uh ... __ __ cubical / celebubical / most of them / I have to say / suppose / easier to spot / Hi Rhod / pub in Tokyo in June when / urinal next to me / he had a pint / other hand / remarkably chirpy / just / defeat / Japan / that afternoon. I paid a lot of money / so happy / near __ __ / now living in Osaka / presumably / Japan. Um ... well, / there / sport for you, eh. / highs and lows and ups and downs / good one / in a toilet / although you do have to check with / people / them / awful lot of people / especially ... especially on Twitter / a number of people that say / Gilbert / in a service station in __ __ in Scotland / doing this ... / thinking, "No. Actually, / seven hundred miles away / don't let that stop you / and rumours and things / things I've done ... / often not me / having said that, the person / stupidest / ever seen in my life / that was me. So, hello to you.

last week / this isn't a feature, but / said, "Look, I / holiday rental cottage / and / I've got a bit of a problem / how many toilet rolls / each toilet of the house / when I rent / I said, "Look / I think / on the thingy, toilet roll holder, and then two / per toilet / said / a week ago / go / I was under pressure / radio / I can't remember / know / hi / your advice about the number of toilet rolls in a holiday rental cottage / one on the stand / shelf for toilet / The Welsh family of four that rented the cottage used them all. / used them all / I told you so / what does that mean / family of four / two toilets / one, two, three, ... / six toilet rolls between a family of four ... so, what / my maths is appalling. Um ... / is that / 1.5 / per / week / preparing for a Scottish family of five. Do you have any advice?" Well, / one more person / toilet / that / of course, presuming ... presuming that usage ... the average usage of toilet rolls / the same as / Welsh / production / find out / is there any evidence / suggest / you know, I mean / stereo / stingy / maybe this is ... maybe this is the / ultimate test / put / let's see / use less ... fewer sheats of toilet paper / should use 7.5 sheets if they / same amount / Welsh people / but / you know / stereo type is / a bit / a bit less likely / I know / their cash / toilet / might be free and easy / free and easy / might throw caution to the wind / even to other people's stuff. That's my theory. __, get in touch with / Scottish family used / and your conclusions.

about my, uh, radio b__ / Radio Human, uh, B__ / whatever you wanna call it / where / until / snaps / today, it is, "God, I don't know what's going on / next / not / as many times as you can / put / ideally / in / little / little finishing touch. / do / we / lots coming in on Human B__ / "Dear Rhod and co-host," ... well, / OK / may have noticed / I don't know / probably / most / woul have picked up / fact / there isn't a co-host / contend / loser of the week / not / three reasons / I would like / email / makes me a loser / yeah / not alone / lots of other losers / the show / second / because of the game / now lost my job / this is awkward, innit? / after relentlessly / repeating / week / phrase / God, it's hot / was / simple / building / first / Week 1 / George / today, is, / know / not / over and over. ... Anyway, this / talking about / relentlessly / throughout / office / one of / formal complaint against me. I was then / manager's office / no / longer / needed / sucn n__sense / no / place / business environment / don't worry / Rhod / day / real regret / playing / I would gladly do it again if I had the opportunity / I don't know. Is that ... is that / if / have to say / god / lost your job / part / that's awesome / again / get on board. All you've gotta do today is / hot / minute is not /

Celebrity out of Context bingo / Hello Rhod / exclamation-marked / bottom / they know / nobody / save us time / read / like to know who it is / why / like to know / this is from, uh ... John / feel better / hello, Rhod, I / a Canadian airport / this is exciting / actor who plays / from Coronation Street / smartly dressed / normally he / his / not / normally / sort of, you know, a little bit ... a little bit scruffy, but / probably tell / Rhod / listening / by the pool." / winds / on holiday / play b__ / ten-year old / believe me, in Tunisia, it's hot / back / a couple of weeks ago / was / hot / all / even / podcast / despite the fact that / nothing all day / "Wow, it's hot." / oh / I can't believe / George / end / way snapped way before / comes / mouth / kids are masters of, uh, of / repeatedly / somebody snaps / any idea / how / up the annoyance / beat / master / cheers / Well, I don't know. Just try / week's / fight / losing battle / think / same thing / over again / do / hats off to you.

hot potato / issue / people / allowed to drive / back / mirrors hanging off / things / queues and everything / caravan people / lovely idea / Do not get me wrong / everyone's safety, surely / people / on / "Hi Rhod / cheap holiday for thousands of people, so leave them alone / listen / like / at / just / possibly / really / I'm saying / stuck behind / forever / OK. That's not really / spirit / thought / definitely need some kind of lessons / this is / want / hot / big debate / eh / people coming on both sides / those / lessons. What is the / legal / lane / 73 mph / so, that's from / there we are, / openly / already / already highly irresponsible / no extending mirrors / so / how / says, uh, M__. Well, I'll tell you what / caravan / I / law / changed / larger trailers like caravans / so / drivers / after / have to take a course / caravan / extra text / if you / after / somewhat / cools your potato / says / don't you / start / blowing on my potato / hot / charge / potato, thank you very much / human / Out Of Context Bingo / flying / look, __ here / cubicle / saw / from / in the toilet / before she was made a p__ / get / nice joke ... nice one / I do get your drift / my / Hi Rhod / saw / restaurant / out / saw / last / out / eat / rather / bending / eating with / conventional / not bending / twitter / human / I / don't do this / if you wanna play / somebody / show / pathetic / somebody / listening to the show / human / I did it once / of / person / listening to the show / brick wall / human ... Radio Human B__ / best / whatever / Rhod / husband / car / driving / listening / how thick are you, people? / room / with / car / dear / Rhod / last / family / cottage / very nice / went for a walk / lake / started / brother / decided to use the phrase / glistening / good / to that effect / today / get / unfortunately my brother / grin / two minutes / realized / pick somebody who / wasn't / two / realized / learned / towards Kilimanjaro / this week / after / first of all / walking partner / toilet / bumped / with some / top notch gear / no climbing gear whatsoever / never / for lunch / middle of / three / full / was / honestly, I / stomach / gas / terrible gas / walk / it / off / got rid of it / I did / build / up / possible / gassy version / from my body / and then / then / realized / super power / walk / week / realized / just / I looked at a sheep / sheep / toilet / then / a bit strangge / definitely / looked / looked / eye contact throughout / turned / another / independent / looked / went to / toilet / said / walking / look at / go to __ toilet / instantly / on / toilet. ... He said, "Rubbish" / watch / chose / see / sheep / was grazing / indifferent / already / sheep / own / looked / locked / on / toilet / my gaze / throughout / Clint, he couldn't believe / know / power / give / go /

Those of you / touch / cryptic / this / cryptic / Who needs / noisy / center / boy / son / name / anything / but /

If you enjoyed that, why don't you / bbc / 11 / series / work / bbc / and on iPlayer.

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Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits エピソード・リスト